slowly...

I had another appointment with my counsellor on Friday. Wow, he was really helpful. He seemed to understand the feeling I get when I am near the ex: like someone is about to bash my over the head, flinching, curling myself into a ball to protect my gut. I feel insignificant, intimidated. So we did some deep breathing exercises and a little meditation.

What really got to me though was when he asked me to acknowledge the pain I had from the MS. I started crying. He was asking me to accept it, to make it part of who I am. I guess I have always been fighting it, and that's not what I should have done. When I was diagnosed everyone around me fell apart. My family was devastated, my inlaws acted like it was a death sentence. So I had to be brave, show them that MS was not what made me who I was, that nothing would stop me. Never did I stop and acknowledge what the future could hold for me. I prepared for the possibility, the physical parts, but not for the mental and emotional parts. I built up a wall, convinced myself that it would not get the best of me, but I never acknowledged the vulnerability I had. Never cried for the loss, for my suffering. He showed me that, and I finally accepted it.

So Saturday was her Christmas Concert at daycare. We sat together. At first everything was ok, if not a little awkward. we talked about her schedule, how things were working, I told her about the Flu shot (God those HURT!!!) etc. But after a few minute he wanted to know how I was doing, if I was still going to counselling. I said yes, but I don't want to tell you about it. I felt so vulnerable, I started crying. just tears running down my face, in the middle of a auditorium with 100 people. I tried to stop, but every kind word he said made the tears flow more. Every attempt to console me, everything.

of course he was going where I didn't want him to. He wanted to know why we could't try. He said he didn't mean to make me upset, he wants to do things that are fair, to sign the agreement. BUt he still could not see why buying a house in ajax (actually Oshawa, which is about 100 kms from daycare)was not best for Silvia. I tried to explain to him that he was preventing the 50/50 from working, that he would be taking time from her mom if he put her in school there.

I asked him why he couldn't move to Woodbridge, he said he wanted to buy a home. He couldn't understand how it doesn't matter to her if he owns the home or rents it, that being able to see both of her parents equally was best for her. I told him that he should be willing to sacrifice buying a home to make this work, even for a year or so. I was frustrated.

Anyway, things went sour of course. I told him exactly how being near him made me feel. That I was small, nervous, tense etc and I said if we were together would you want me to feel like that? Would you want me to feel like that lying beside you in bed. THat's when he walked away, got in his truck. So I left, if he can't understand that then fine. Fine with me.

Of course that's not all of it, but that's all I need to put here. he still doesn't get what this has done to me, and he never will. he still said that I had never pleased him sexually, insuinuating that his abuse was a response to that. Um ok. Guess he still can't realize that nobody wants to love someone who treats them like garbage.