Today's forecast: Sunshowers!

Today I woke up with a song in my head, and it hasn't gone away yet. Bruno Mars "Again". Now if you don't know the song, it is about a man who wakes up, and misses his train, and by that coincidence, he meets his new love waiting for the next one. In essence the message is that all the crap he had gone through in life was worth it. He would do it all over again because everything he had been through had led him to her, and all the suffering was worth finding her.

This is not the first time this song has rang so true for me. Long before I met Gerald I knew this song would one day have a person attached to it. It didn't take long before he was, and attached to several other of my "anthems" (you know what I mean by anthem, right? Like a song that stands for someone, or some time in your life and it will always hold special meaning. It can even represent some part of you)

Anyway, I guess underneath it all I woke up today moving onto the stage of acceptance. It is sad, but now I know I can let him be. I do still hope that he will come looking for me, even if it is just in friendship, because I love him not only as my love, but as my best friend. I opened up to him more of myself than I ever have to anyone else. But, it IS time that I let go; not let go of hope, but to let go of the expectation, the need, but not the want. I will find some way today of doing that.

For the past couple of months I have been learning so much, but the absolute best place I have found is a blog by a long-time depressed man. His blog is so honest, and insightful, that I have painstakenly copied almost every post into a word document, arranged them as best I could, so that his thoughts flow in a pattern to describe what depression is, what the symptoms are like, how it affects the person, and how he has found the ability to recover and live with his condition. It has sections that apply specifically to work issues, how men deal with depression (It is vastly different than women) and how a depressed man reacts in a relationship. So far I have read every post at least once, and am now going through them in the order I created. It is amazing.

My point is, last night before bed I ended reading this post: http://www.storiedmind.com/depressed-partners/i-cant-let-you-in/



This one I had NOT read yet, on purpose, as I knew it would be the most revealing one, that would explain to me exactly how Gerald feels/felt as he shut me out of his life. (I dont think I am trying to push a description of "what happened" onto him. Much of what he said to me in the last 4 months rings so true to this blogger's posts, and readers comments, that there is NO WAY he is not being seriously affected by depression. I just dont know if this is the ONLY reason we are over)

After I read that post, I closed my eyes fully understanding the isolation and impotence depression can enforce, and I sent out a prayer that both Gerald and I be able to move forward.

So when I woke up this morning with that song in my head, I knew some of that had happened. And as I stood there getting ready for the day and looking at myself in the mirror, I suddenly began wondering about other men I had dated in the past. In particular the first man I went out with, with whom I had felt the potential for a lot more, at least a potential for a great friendship. [unfortunately we had both consciously decided to throw that away by having a one-night stand 4 months after we stopped dating...yeah, I know. But we both knew what we were doing, and it was WORTH it! ;)]

And so I sit here today, realizing that I can leave the door open for Gerald, and am hesitantly ready to move forward with my life. Maybe to rekindle friendships that I let fall to the side, maybe to start new ones. I don't know yet if I will contact that old flame/friend, but it nice to think about it, and know that Gerald isn't the only man out there who "gets me" and thought I was amazing (that other guy was FRESH out of separation, and there was no chance of anything but a fling with him..he realized he couldn't give me what I was looking for and backed off, but we stayed friends up until THAT night).

Today I took another step forward, and it feels good :) Yes, there are tears in my eyes as I write this, for I am leaving behind the happiest days of my life, and someone I love so very much. But there is a smile along with those tears, because I think I am on my way to something even better...a stronger me, who is able to embrace change without regret or anger and with hope and belief and faith. Hope that Gerald will find a path that leads back to me, belief that he will always love me, and faith that I will get through this and live to feelsunshine again.

I am sad. It will be 2 weeks tomorrow since I last saw Gerald. When I think about that panic starts up and my breathing gets shallow. I dont know what the point is in telling you this, but I need to say it.

I am back and forth between thinking I am ok and can "wait" this out for as long as he needs, and wanting to tell him that I can't accept the downgrade to "just friends". I want to know if this breakup is because of his depression or if he really wants it over. It could be both.

I am on this emotional rollercoaster, and I could so easily stop it just by getting off and saying "see ya". I know I could do that, and I would heal quickly and all that would be left are some wonderful memories.

But if this is because of the depression (and I do think it is a big factor)I could be sealing the fate on the isolation he wanted, which will likely be the worst thing I could do, for him anyway.

Think about it. When I am upset (angry, sad, etc) and I feel out of control, the one thing I don't want is for someone to touch me. Why? because the act of touch says you care, when you reach out to someone who is in pain, it crumbles the wall of self-control they have built up to protect them. I used to do that with my ex all the time, and when I told him not to touch me, he didn't. But Gerald, he never listened. He knew that was just a way to push him away, to protect myself from more pain, but since he was not going to hurt me, he pulled me in. It was exactly what I needed, every time.

I am so confused, and thinking about this is not getting me anywhere. I have done so much reading on relationships, the brain and behavioural differences between men and women, and even about depression and men in relationships with depression. I could write a book or 12 on all of it. But it still doesn't give me an answer, or a plan.

When it comes down to it, all I have to guide me is my brain, and my heart. My brain says that its looking like I should start to move on. My brain is looking at the serious decline in text messages, and the loss of his presence, and the fact that the only responsibilities he has left to me are to repair things (like bring me a stove and fix my car). My brain is crunching stats, and it comes down to the difference between then and now, and it is huge. My brain says "it wasn't long enough", and "he has no attachment to you".

But my brain also knows depression, and this is where my brain says "you wanted to be alone too, you wanted everyone to leave you be". My brain says "I lied to you, I told you it was better if nobody touched you", and my brain knows that it was wrong, and that being with people who loved me unconditionally was the ONE THING that brought me back. It wasn't my family that pulled me back into the world of living, it wasn't medication, for all that does is to stabilize the ups and downs. It was MY FRIENDS, people I didn't know cared so much, who filled my days with plans and showed me how to have fun and let me cry when I needed to, and who hugged me ESPECIALLY when I told them not to touch me. They held me so I could break down that wall, they hugged me and held me up when my legs literally gave way and I slumped towards the ground.

And so my brain argues back and forth with itself. On the surface it looks "over", in the depths it remembers how what depression said I needed was a lie, and how the exact opposite of "alone" was what got me through, and still does. My brain wonders if that is exactly what he needs?

But my heart, my heart has no doubt. My heart knows that it has already done everything that it can, and my heart is just waiting for the chance to pour all of its warmth out for him. My heart remembers not only the wonderful words that came from his mouth, the talk of the future, of being best friends, and in love, of buying a home together, the suggestion of another child. But my heart remembers more the action, how he came to my rescue time and again, how he didn't just "talk" about the future, but that he looked into what he mentioned, that he acted as a partner, took care of me, and my child, that he was the one person who knew me best. My heart knows, in every cell, that walking away will not end the love it has for him, my heart is steadfast, loyal and does not give up on those it loves. My heart feels that it has found a soulmate, my heart believes that, and even now I can still feel it smiling inside.

And so I sit here still not able to breathe quite as deeply as I want to, but still I can breathe. My brain cannot decide if walking away is the answer, and my heart will hear none of its arguments.

In the absence of movement, in the stillness, I wait. Not in the sense of helplessness, but with hope, and the power that comes from "not moving". "Potential energy" it is called, and it is fitting.....