email to legal aide

I am staying at my mom's until sometime in the school year next fall. I am applying to have her attend School in Woodbridge because her current daycare has a bus that transports them back and forth. I do not have confirmation of her acceptance at the school, but was told that as long as she is attending the daycare she should be accepted. I plan on moving to Woodbridge early in the school year (next fall) with the intention of renting an apartment in the school district.



the ex is aware of all this as it has been my plan since we separated. I plan on having her continue in her current daycare (to maintain her comfort and security) and to facilitate the 50/50 access with her father. He has said he would be moving to Woodbridge as well, but the last time we spoke (about 3 weeks ago) he said he might not move. He has seen the paperwork for her school application and agreed that I can list her primary residence as my mom's house as I need to show that the taxes are being directed to the seperate school board.



I am not happy with shared parenting, at least the way it works now. There is absolutely no communication between us. I just drove over to her daycare today and found out that she is not there today. I sent her dad a text to ask if she is sick, no answer. I am still very intimidated by him and feel pressured to agree with him due to the abuse I suffered. He does not call me to update me on anything with her. I cannot call him as every conversation turns into an argument. He does not have email. If we do have to meet in person again, we end up arguing, or worse, talking and he makes every attempt to guilt me into going back to him.



The day of her surgery was pure hell we had to spend 3-4 hours together and he just could not leave anything alone. He kept asking me why and insisting on a second chance, and then would get mad. I told him several times that we were only to talk about her and her surgery, that everything else could be saved for discussion with lawyers and another day. In the end I asked him to leave since he could not (in his words) stop himself from talking about the separation and his desire to prove to me that he could be a good husband. Since that day I cannot bring myself to deal with him, he has no ability to separate his feelings from what is right for our daughter.



I spoke with him last week and he was determined that I would drive her up to home at 8pm tomorrow after our counselling session ( 90 minute drive!). In court the judge had said that if the counselling was a late session that it was reasonable that she stay with me that night. I told him I would be taking her home, on the advice of the judge, as a drive of 90- minutes was unreasonable and she wouldn't get there until 9:30pm. I don't know if he is still against it.



I need to have her with me every Thurday evening for the next 3 months for our counselling sessions. I think 7 days apart is too long for a 3 year old. I have proposed that I have her every Wednesday and Thursday, he will have her every Monday and Tuesday and we rotate weekends. This is the MINIMUM I will accept. If he still insists on the 7 day schedule then I will be wanting to continue the Thursdays with me.



Though we currently have equal time, I ONLY accepted this because he was threatening to take her from me and not return her until the court made an order. he used threats and intimidation to get to the status quo. When we separated there was no evidence to support shared parenting. He was abusive,mentally and physically and had done this to me in FRONT of our daugher and and actually TOLD her DIRECTLY that I was stupid, fat etc.



He had not been involved in her parenting, made no effort to be a family and actively excluded me at times from parenting her and not allowing me time with her. He told me he would take her, threatened not to bring her back from visits with his mom, and actually picked her up from her bed one night and carried her downstairs with the intent to removing her from my care. Just because he has shared parenting right now does NOT mean that I accepted it. I was COERCED into it and was scared to fight him. I was scared it was going to turn into a huge battle and that she would get lost in the middle of it. I just wanted OUT, I just wanted to be safe and I knew that he would do anything to stop me from having her. I didn't want her to lose her dad (which was possible based on the abuse, his behaviour) so I chose not to file charges with the police. I did seek help from the womens shelters , saw counsellors and reported the abuse to family (his as well) and friends. They all advised me against continueing the 50/50, but I was too scared of the consequences to both of us if I stopped it or changed it. I do want her to have a good relationship with her dad, so that was another reason to continue the amount of time.



While I want this settled, I don't want him to have the power to intimidate me anymore. I AM threatend by him. I have tried to convince myself that he has changed, but every attempt we make to talk respectfully seems to fail. I have to go with my guts here. he has tried to stop me from making decsions in her best interest several times, and if I agree to joint custody he may do it again. Plus, the judge has already ordered that I be allowed to make health related, medical and counselling decisions and ordered him to comply. I beleive that already establishes that I effectively have the ability to make a final decision when we can't agree. Which is not *quite* sole custody, but effectively takes away his incentive to manipulate me. Given that I have ALWAYS made the decisions in reference to our daughter's health and schooling, and have been her primary caregiver since birth I can't see myself accepting anything less (or the court ordering joint custody) than the ability to make the decisions by myself if we can't agree.



As for the home sale, I am going to sign the papers tomorrow morning. I will either fax you a copy or send you a scan. The lawyer in charge of the sale has been directed to use any proceeds from the sale to pay off the joint line of Credit first (as it is part of the mortgage) and then to hold any monies until we have a final separation agreement. I doubt there will be anything left.



For the most part the furniture and house contents have been divided. However, he has disposed of a truck that was worth some money and has a whole garage full of tools. If the discussion moves towards equalization I want to have things divided as they are. We have verbally agreed not to divide pensions and RRSPs, to each pay certain debts and not to delve into full financial disclosure. We both know basically what went on and there is not point spending the money and time to do it with nothing to gain.



the lawyer has a copy of the last offer that I sent to him (dated Dec 21). That is basically what I want, other than the changes I mentioned here. That would be a starting point for negotiations. I would prefer to sit in on them if possible. I have been looking at case laws and I have some good case evidence that would support my getting sole custody while still maintaining the level of 50/50 access. I can try to have that information finished up for you by Monday and to get you my narrative as well.