Christmas Day 2009

the day itself was wonderful (except for being quite sick)My girl was an angel, enjoyed everything, no tantrums, no crying, very happy.

I took her to meet her dad at 5pm. Mom came with me. When we pulled into parking lot she started crying, I don't want to go with daddy, I want to stay with you. Even told daddy she wanted to stay, but I told her she would have fun with daddy. He took her to the car, would not let her have her movie from my car even though she was crying and I said she could have it. (he also tried to refuse the Chrsitmas gift fromher becasue I handeded it to him). He wouldn`t even let her play in the playground.

He asked about the letter I had given him, said he had gone to a lawyer and wanted to go to mediation. I said arrange it and I will be there. I asked if he would at least sign something so I could get her into counselling. He said "she doesn't need counselling, she's only 3!!" So after everything she's witnessed, after all the arguing, calling mommy names, hurting mommy etc he actually thinks she is ok!

He then proceeds to tell me that his lawyer said the agreement must state that nobody else will be there when we do an exchange. He said if there were he would get a restraining order against them. HUH, thought you needed a REASON to get one of those. He actually claimed I had started an argument the night before when I picked her up (actually HE had rudely and nastily told me I couldn`t come in the house, then in literally the next minute begged me for a second chance. Seriously. Talk about manipulating) Mom got out of the car and pulled me away after I gave her a kiss. She was still crying.

After I got in the car I lost it. I am done, empty, I have no energy left. I can`t do this by myself, he knows how to get to me, he knows what hurts me most. I`ve tried to do everything to work this out and he even refuses to let me know what things he agrees with. When I finally went to bed last night I couldn`t sleep. I ran to my mom`s room sobbing and lied down with her. I needed someone, anyone. I didn`t sleep until ater 3am.

I am going over to the women`s shelter tomorrow I think. He is not co-operating, my child is suffering, she needs to talk about what has happened but won`t talk to me. He can`t even see that she is hurting! If he won`t even agree that I can take her to a counsellor, I have no choice but to file for interim custody. They will not let her see a counsellor unless both parents agree in writing, and he won`t. My kid needs more reassurance than I can give, I will not let him stop me from providing for her.

This is NOT what I wanted. I wish he could put away his emotions and take a look at what I have offered him. It is FAIR, more than Fair, and I am willing to negotiate, but he only wants to control me still. to stick it to me, hurt me more. I need somebody else to deal with him, so he doesn`t get to me, and so he can`t see how weak I am now. I will not fail my child. he has no idea what he has coming. I think he will only start being fair if I agree to give him a second chance. I will not submit to that again, even if it means fighthing for the next 5 years. Too bad he can`t see clearly.

speed bump?

I finally served him on Monday. I also brought him a letter to try to agree on some of the things so we could focus on those we disagreed on (like where Silvia will go to school etc)

oh, it went ok, but things were very emotional. He really wants me back, he is so sad. He said he has thought about having her attend school where he will live and has realized that it wouldn't work as 50/50 was not possible that way. Of course I asked him why he didn't call me and tell me that when he thought about it, since it would have helped to smooth things over.

But it was very hard for me too. I still love him, but the hurt from all the abuse is so deep I don't know if I will ever get through it. I'm in counselling, but it is so raw when I am near him, especially when he is so sorry for what he has done. I can't tell if I am sad for what I lost and what could have been, or if I am thinking I made a mistake. There was a lot of apologising on his part, but he is still unwilling to discuss the details of what happened, or even to hear me speak them. Maybe it is me being hung up, but I really need to hear him admit what he has done, so he knows which parts were wrong. I still think he has no idea what exactly hurt and is thinking that I have overreacted. He still thinks I should be able to put it behind me and give him another chance.

So there is a new problem. His family celebrates Christmas on Christmas Eve. The plan was to drop her off around 2pm and I was going to pick her up at midnight (since they open presents at 11). He wants to drop her off in the morning. I understand that he thinks I would be waking her up, but I would be there right after they finished presents, so she would be awake (Last year she fell asleep at 11:30, she was 2.5.)

I know that it is late. I know it might be best to leave her there. But then she would miss MY family traditions of Christmas morning. She will get to experience all of his family traditions on Christmas Eve, they do nothing Christmas day. Also, I was going to return her in the evening on Christmas, so he would still see her for the actual day.

Can anyone provide some feedback? Both on how I am feeling and this Christmas arrangement? I really feel like I would be giving in to him by letting him drop her off Christmas morning. Of course I gave him these details back in October when he got the first draft of the separation agreement. Obviously he either didn't read it then, or is again reacting emotionally because he wants some control. He didn't have a problem with the exchange time before.