So he called me yesterday at work. He was crying. His work had scheduled 12 hour shifts for the next 2 weeks from 7am to 7pm. He asked if i could do him a favour and take our daughter during the week and let him have her for the 2 weekends starting next weekend (Nov 13th). Of course I said no problem. Since her daycare closes at 6 he would not be able to pick her up in time. I also offered to let him have her one night during the week. I said I would pick her up, get her some dinner and then meet him somewhere at 7 after he finished work. I think I was being completely fair and accomodating.
So next he brings up the price of the house. I've already suggested a fair prce of $170,000. Whn he asked for $168,000 I went down to $169,000. This was on Saturday. At that time he would not budge on his number, even though I explained that it would only cost $500 more and that he would be walking away with a house, fully furnished and I would be walking away with my clothes and a bit of furniture.
So yesterday he continues to insist on 168. I told him that he was getting all the appliances, most of the furniture and I wouldn't even have a bed! He said if you don't take 168 then I won't buy it and we'll list it. We'll both walk away with about $2800. This made me so angry!! I said that is emotional blackmail! You would rather sell the house just to spite me rather than negotiate with me and give me an extra $500?? He said he WAS negotiating, but I said no, you picked a price and are holding firm to it, even though OUR realotr has told us to list at $175 and that our house would sell for at LEAST $170!! YOu are taking advantage of me and trying to get me to agree to something that is not fair. Are you trying to control me again?
Of course he then backed off. He said fine, 169 then. At this point I felt like I should apologise, since it felt like I had forced him into agreeing, BUT I DIDN"T. Too many times this kind of thing has happened, where he refuses to be reasonable and fair, fighting so hard against me when I KNOW I AM being fair. This time I resisted the urge. I KNOW I did nothing wrong, I was being fair in lowering my price and I was GOOD to myself by standing up againt his blackmail (or attempt to get me to agree with him). I told him fine, that is how a negotiuation is supposed to work, and accepted his offer.
Of course he then said if we got back together we could avoid all this and I said no, I am starting counselling on Monday and I need to do this on my own. For now this is the best. He wanted to talk about it, but I was getting upset, feeling pressured. I told him I was at work and couldn't talk as I was disturbing my coworkers in the room, and we said goodbye.
After My officemate turned to me and said "I take back my suggestion. I don't think you should try to work on your marriage right now. He is obviously trying to control you and I can see how panicked you were getting. You need to stay apart for now, it's not good for you or your daughter." That made me happy, as she was one of those people I felt a little judged by, she didn't seem yo understand the emotional damage I was living with and how I couldnt deal with him right now. Maybe I hadn't fully explained it to her, but I understood why she wanted to see my marriage work. Now I know she supports my health and happiness first and not just making things right for my family.
It was a good day, and I got FREE tickets for a musical tonight (Toxic Avenger) I'm going with some coworkers and my sister. Sounds like a night I am well deserving.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
fresh start I hope
Yesterday I took a huge step in the direction of change. Starting this blog is terrifying. It is going to open me up to see all the pain I've endured but never acknowledged. But I know it is something I need to do, I need to remember it all then get rid of it.
While I was writing yesterday's post I started to remember things from way back, things that I had buried, pretended never happened. I won't detail them, but I have to wonder why I was so ignorant, why I didn't admit to myself what was going on. Like I said, I saw the signs, I ignored them. I KNEW there was something not right. Was it my fear of failure, my dedication to my relationship? I do know that it was not the fear of being alone. That fear has not played a part in my life, thanks to those who have always been there for me no matter what. Whatever made me ignore those signs, I have to deal with the consequences now.
Funny things is, I'm not mad at him. I do expect him to take responsibilty for what he did, as I take responsibility for myself. I accept that I did not always act like an adult, treat him fairly. I played dirty, but not worse than anyone else I know. But he stepped over the line, he went where it was not fighting anymore, where he was intentionally hurting me and looking to control me, where he was abusing me; mentally, emotionally, verbally, physically. He knows now what he did, he has apologised over and over and over. He's cried and begged for forgiveness. I'm trying.
I know he was abused too, he was never taught how to love before. But I can't forget that I showed him how to love, and he choose to do what he did. He can't tell me he didn't know any better, he apologised after, he said it wouldn't happen again. He wouldn't do that if he thought he wasn't wrong. Why didn't he listen to his heart when it told him he was hurting me? Why didn't his family tell him what he was doing? WHY? That is the question I need answered, but I know I will never get it.
While I was writing yesterday's post I started to remember things from way back, things that I had buried, pretended never happened. I won't detail them, but I have to wonder why I was so ignorant, why I didn't admit to myself what was going on. Like I said, I saw the signs, I ignored them. I KNEW there was something not right. Was it my fear of failure, my dedication to my relationship? I do know that it was not the fear of being alone. That fear has not played a part in my life, thanks to those who have always been there for me no matter what. Whatever made me ignore those signs, I have to deal with the consequences now.
Funny things is, I'm not mad at him. I do expect him to take responsibilty for what he did, as I take responsibility for myself. I accept that I did not always act like an adult, treat him fairly. I played dirty, but not worse than anyone else I know. But he stepped over the line, he went where it was not fighting anymore, where he was intentionally hurting me and looking to control me, where he was abusing me; mentally, emotionally, verbally, physically. He knows now what he did, he has apologised over and over and over. He's cried and begged for forgiveness. I'm trying.
I know he was abused too, he was never taught how to love before. But I can't forget that I showed him how to love, and he choose to do what he did. He can't tell me he didn't know any better, he apologised after, he said it wouldn't happen again. He wouldn't do that if he thought he wasn't wrong. Why didn't he listen to his heart when it told him he was hurting me? Why didn't his family tell him what he was doing? WHY? That is the question I need answered, but I know I will never get it.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
It is with a little hope and a lot of uncertainty that I start this journey. I am finally ready to leave all this crap behind and get rid of this anxiety that is freezing me in place.
My husband and I met in high school. He was handsome, popular and charming. I was slightly nerdy, chubby and insecure with boys. I was honored to be chosen, all my friend had crushes on him. We dated for years, got engaged a week after I left university, after he had broken up with me for not wanting to do the long-distance thing. Looking back I know he only propsed because he was scared of losing me. We both knew there would be no wedding until I graduated.
He was very insecure. My most vivid memories of my frosh year are of sitting in my closet in rez talking on the phone. Half the time laughing, half the time crying, spending until the wee hours trying to resolve whatever "hurt" my boyfriend was feeling. I travelled 4 hours every weekend to go home to spend it with him. If I went out with friends or even my sister, I didn't tell him. I learned that after having to answer question or question about who, what where, when and why, over and over. He was always waiting for me to slip up, always looking for my story to change, then he would pounce on it, to "prove" that I was lying, has been untrue.
The rest of my college years were somewhat less traumatic, but still jjsut as messed up. The night of my graduation my 2 sister, my boyfriend and I enjoyed one of the best dinners out I have ever had. We laughed to the point of tears. We were all so PROUD of ME!! But then things went wrong. We decided to go out to club, and the boyfriend got jealous for some reason (I can;t even remember). He started arguing with me in the street, yelling and shaming me. My sisters tried to reason with him, get him to see that I had done nothing wrong, but he would not listen. He got into his truck and drove off.
I cant even describe the anxiousness I felt as my sisters friend drove us back to our hotel. We never went dancing. I waited up all night, until 2 or 3am reading, listening to my sisters breathing and for his truck. So many times I thought I heard it, but I could never see his truck in the parking lot. He had abandoned me on thenight of my biggest achievement.
The next morning at 7 am there was a knock on the door. He came storming in and convinced me to go outside and talk in his truck. He had spent the night sitting in his truck. Instaed of knocking on the door and coming in, he stayed out there and in the morning somehow I was made to feel guilty for his suffering. Unbelievably I got in his car and went home with him, leaving my sisters behind. I WALKED AWAY from those who had stood by me in my darkest hours, from those who did not judge me, from those who picked up the shattered pieces of my heart. And for WHAT
You might think I am INSANE for ever marrying this man. It was definitely NOT the first or last time I was treated so unfairly; how could I love someone who treated me like yesterdayès trashÉ How could I love this man, bear him a childÉ Love. I put up with all of the crap for love, love that I didn;t get, love that was withheld, dangled in front of me, promised but never kept. Itès not like I didn;t see the signs, I saw them, convinced myself he was a good person underneath, made excuses from his childhood. I did everything I could to cultivate the good person I knew was in there, helped him, fed him, took care of his every need. It wasnèt enough, I couldnèt do anything right, couldn;t please him and he let me know...almost every day of our 15 years together.
This is my journey to build myself back up to the confident, proud woman I once was. He took something from me and as much as he wants to help me find it, as much as he believes he has changed, it is not what will make me whole again. Only I can piece myself back together, only I can create that fire. And although I can only see a little spark of light in all this darkness, I know it will grow in time. This is my journey of self, and I invite you to share it with me.
Ladybird
My husband and I met in high school. He was handsome, popular and charming. I was slightly nerdy, chubby and insecure with boys. I was honored to be chosen, all my friend had crushes on him. We dated for years, got engaged a week after I left university, after he had broken up with me for not wanting to do the long-distance thing. Looking back I know he only propsed because he was scared of losing me. We both knew there would be no wedding until I graduated.
He was very insecure. My most vivid memories of my frosh year are of sitting in my closet in rez talking on the phone. Half the time laughing, half the time crying, spending until the wee hours trying to resolve whatever "hurt" my boyfriend was feeling. I travelled 4 hours every weekend to go home to spend it with him. If I went out with friends or even my sister, I didn't tell him. I learned that after having to answer question or question about who, what where, when and why, over and over. He was always waiting for me to slip up, always looking for my story to change, then he would pounce on it, to "prove" that I was lying, has been untrue.
The rest of my college years were somewhat less traumatic, but still jjsut as messed up. The night of my graduation my 2 sister, my boyfriend and I enjoyed one of the best dinners out I have ever had. We laughed to the point of tears. We were all so PROUD of ME!! But then things went wrong. We decided to go out to club, and the boyfriend got jealous for some reason (I can;t even remember). He started arguing with me in the street, yelling and shaming me. My sisters tried to reason with him, get him to see that I had done nothing wrong, but he would not listen. He got into his truck and drove off.
I cant even describe the anxiousness I felt as my sisters friend drove us back to our hotel. We never went dancing. I waited up all night, until 2 or 3am reading, listening to my sisters breathing and for his truck. So many times I thought I heard it, but I could never see his truck in the parking lot. He had abandoned me on thenight of my biggest achievement.
The next morning at 7 am there was a knock on the door. He came storming in and convinced me to go outside and talk in his truck. He had spent the night sitting in his truck. Instaed of knocking on the door and coming in, he stayed out there and in the morning somehow I was made to feel guilty for his suffering. Unbelievably I got in his car and went home with him, leaving my sisters behind. I WALKED AWAY from those who had stood by me in my darkest hours, from those who did not judge me, from those who picked up the shattered pieces of my heart. And for WHAT
You might think I am INSANE for ever marrying this man. It was definitely NOT the first or last time I was treated so unfairly; how could I love someone who treated me like yesterdayès trashÉ How could I love this man, bear him a childÉ Love. I put up with all of the crap for love, love that I didn;t get, love that was withheld, dangled in front of me, promised but never kept. Itès not like I didn;t see the signs, I saw them, convinced myself he was a good person underneath, made excuses from his childhood. I did everything I could to cultivate the good person I knew was in there, helped him, fed him, took care of his every need. It wasnèt enough, I couldnèt do anything right, couldn;t please him and he let me know...almost every day of our 15 years together.
This is my journey to build myself back up to the confident, proud woman I once was. He took something from me and as much as he wants to help me find it, as much as he believes he has changed, it is not what will make me whole again. Only I can piece myself back together, only I can create that fire. And although I can only see a little spark of light in all this darkness, I know it will grow in time. This is my journey of self, and I invite you to share it with me.
Ladybird
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