The last day of 2009!

Thank God! This year has been the absolute worst in my life and I am so excited to sweep it out the door tonight and welcome 2010! Yes, there were many wonderful moments, and great, amazing people who were there with me, but overall it has been so trying, hurtful and sad. I don't want to change any of it though. It all had to happen to make me who I am today...a little stronger, a little tougher, and I think even a little more open to what others need.

I mean, when I started this, I would never have thought I could let him have her half of the time. I wanted to hold on to her, keep her to myself, try to protect her from everything that had hurt me. But even at 3 she needs to see what the real world is like. She NEEDS her dad, and keeping her away from him would stop her from making her own choice, letting her have a relationship with her dad, her dad who loves her. It hurts when she is not here, especially today, but I know that one day my daughter will look into my eyes and I will see that she is happy, that she knows what I sacrificed and suffered so that she would have 2 people who love her. I know one day I will see that in her eyes, because my mom has finally seen it in mine. I learned from the best, thank you Mom.

So tonight I will celebrate 2009. Not the horrible crippling parts of it that almost destroyed me, but little embers of love that kept me alive; my daughter, my family, my friends. YOU are my embers, you are the ones who held me up, and I am forever in your debt. Tonight I become the Pheonix and I will rise from the ashes of my life. Welcome 2010!

Christmas Day 2009

the day itself was wonderful (except for being quite sick)My girl was an angel, enjoyed everything, no tantrums, no crying, very happy.

I took her to meet her dad at 5pm. Mom came with me. When we pulled into parking lot she started crying, I don't want to go with daddy, I want to stay with you. Even told daddy she wanted to stay, but I told her she would have fun with daddy. He took her to the car, would not let her have her movie from my car even though she was crying and I said she could have it. (he also tried to refuse the Chrsitmas gift fromher becasue I handeded it to him). He wouldn`t even let her play in the playground.

He asked about the letter I had given him, said he had gone to a lawyer and wanted to go to mediation. I said arrange it and I will be there. I asked if he would at least sign something so I could get her into counselling. He said "she doesn't need counselling, she's only 3!!" So after everything she's witnessed, after all the arguing, calling mommy names, hurting mommy etc he actually thinks she is ok!

He then proceeds to tell me that his lawyer said the agreement must state that nobody else will be there when we do an exchange. He said if there were he would get a restraining order against them. HUH, thought you needed a REASON to get one of those. He actually claimed I had started an argument the night before when I picked her up (actually HE had rudely and nastily told me I couldn`t come in the house, then in literally the next minute begged me for a second chance. Seriously. Talk about manipulating) Mom got out of the car and pulled me away after I gave her a kiss. She was still crying.

After I got in the car I lost it. I am done, empty, I have no energy left. I can`t do this by myself, he knows how to get to me, he knows what hurts me most. I`ve tried to do everything to work this out and he even refuses to let me know what things he agrees with. When I finally went to bed last night I couldn`t sleep. I ran to my mom`s room sobbing and lied down with her. I needed someone, anyone. I didn`t sleep until ater 3am.

I am going over to the women`s shelter tomorrow I think. He is not co-operating, my child is suffering, she needs to talk about what has happened but won`t talk to me. He can`t even see that she is hurting! If he won`t even agree that I can take her to a counsellor, I have no choice but to file for interim custody. They will not let her see a counsellor unless both parents agree in writing, and he won`t. My kid needs more reassurance than I can give, I will not let him stop me from providing for her.

This is NOT what I wanted. I wish he could put away his emotions and take a look at what I have offered him. It is FAIR, more than Fair, and I am willing to negotiate, but he only wants to control me still. to stick it to me, hurt me more. I need somebody else to deal with him, so he doesn`t get to me, and so he can`t see how weak I am now. I will not fail my child. he has no idea what he has coming. I think he will only start being fair if I agree to give him a second chance. I will not submit to that again, even if it means fighthing for the next 5 years. Too bad he can`t see clearly.

speed bump?

I finally served him on Monday. I also brought him a letter to try to agree on some of the things so we could focus on those we disagreed on (like where Silvia will go to school etc)

oh, it went ok, but things were very emotional. He really wants me back, he is so sad. He said he has thought about having her attend school where he will live and has realized that it wouldn't work as 50/50 was not possible that way. Of course I asked him why he didn't call me and tell me that when he thought about it, since it would have helped to smooth things over.

But it was very hard for me too. I still love him, but the hurt from all the abuse is so deep I don't know if I will ever get through it. I'm in counselling, but it is so raw when I am near him, especially when he is so sorry for what he has done. I can't tell if I am sad for what I lost and what could have been, or if I am thinking I made a mistake. There was a lot of apologising on his part, but he is still unwilling to discuss the details of what happened, or even to hear me speak them. Maybe it is me being hung up, but I really need to hear him admit what he has done, so he knows which parts were wrong. I still think he has no idea what exactly hurt and is thinking that I have overreacted. He still thinks I should be able to put it behind me and give him another chance.

So there is a new problem. His family celebrates Christmas on Christmas Eve. The plan was to drop her off around 2pm and I was going to pick her up at midnight (since they open presents at 11). He wants to drop her off in the morning. I understand that he thinks I would be waking her up, but I would be there right after they finished presents, so she would be awake (Last year she fell asleep at 11:30, she was 2.5.)

I know that it is late. I know it might be best to leave her there. But then she would miss MY family traditions of Christmas morning. She will get to experience all of his family traditions on Christmas Eve, they do nothing Christmas day. Also, I was going to return her in the evening on Christmas, so he would still see her for the actual day.

Can anyone provide some feedback? Both on how I am feeling and this Christmas arrangement? I really feel like I would be giving in to him by letting him drop her off Christmas morning. Of course I gave him these details back in October when he got the first draft of the separation agreement. Obviously he either didn't read it then, or is again reacting emotionally because he wants some control. He didn't have a problem with the exchange time before.

slowly...

I had another appointment with my counsellor on Friday. Wow, he was really helpful. He seemed to understand the feeling I get when I am near the ex: like someone is about to bash my over the head, flinching, curling myself into a ball to protect my gut. I feel insignificant, intimidated. So we did some deep breathing exercises and a little meditation.

What really got to me though was when he asked me to acknowledge the pain I had from the MS. I started crying. He was asking me to accept it, to make it part of who I am. I guess I have always been fighting it, and that's not what I should have done. When I was diagnosed everyone around me fell apart. My family was devastated, my inlaws acted like it was a death sentence. So I had to be brave, show them that MS was not what made me who I was, that nothing would stop me. Never did I stop and acknowledge what the future could hold for me. I prepared for the possibility, the physical parts, but not for the mental and emotional parts. I built up a wall, convinced myself that it would not get the best of me, but I never acknowledged the vulnerability I had. Never cried for the loss, for my suffering. He showed me that, and I finally accepted it.

So Saturday was her Christmas Concert at daycare. We sat together. At first everything was ok, if not a little awkward. we talked about her schedule, how things were working, I told her about the Flu shot (God those HURT!!!) etc. But after a few minute he wanted to know how I was doing, if I was still going to counselling. I said yes, but I don't want to tell you about it. I felt so vulnerable, I started crying. just tears running down my face, in the middle of a auditorium with 100 people. I tried to stop, but every kind word he said made the tears flow more. Every attempt to console me, everything.

of course he was going where I didn't want him to. He wanted to know why we could't try. He said he didn't mean to make me upset, he wants to do things that are fair, to sign the agreement. BUt he still could not see why buying a house in ajax (actually Oshawa, which is about 100 kms from daycare)was not best for Silvia. I tried to explain to him that he was preventing the 50/50 from working, that he would be taking time from her mom if he put her in school there.

I asked him why he couldn't move to Woodbridge, he said he wanted to buy a home. He couldn't understand how it doesn't matter to her if he owns the home or rents it, that being able to see both of her parents equally was best for her. I told him that he should be willing to sacrifice buying a home to make this work, even for a year or so. I was frustrated.

Anyway, things went sour of course. I told him exactly how being near him made me feel. That I was small, nervous, tense etc and I said if we were together would you want me to feel like that? Would you want me to feel like that lying beside you in bed. THat's when he walked away, got in his truck. So I left, if he can't understand that then fine. Fine with me.

Of course that's not all of it, but that's all I need to put here. he still doesn't get what this has done to me, and he never will. he still said that I had never pleased him sexually, insuinuating that his abuse was a response to that. Um ok. Guess he still can't realize that nobody wants to love someone who treats them like garbage.

she didn't go

He called me back Friday. Said he did not say she couldn't come to the King Tut exhibition. WHAT? I told him he had. He said no. My response: I know what you said. Don't try to tell me you said maybe, because you didn't. Don't try and convince me you said something else, I remember what you said. I was at work, so I told him to call me later. I was not going to talk.

So he calls me back Friday night. Tells me that if I have the details I could still take her. I told him I didn't know the details, and I didn't have them because he had said no. He still insisted he hadn't. What is he trying to do? Try to convince me I heard something else? I think I can remember, since I was completely upset that he changed his mind at the last minute.

I told him I would finalize the separation agreement and get him a copy so he can take it to a lawyer. THen he said he would not sign it unless he was able to move to Ajax and enroll Silvia in school there!! YES that is what he said. I told him that I've already explained that having Silvia in school in Ajax means that 50/50 can't work. He told me to move to Ajax! I told him if he didn't want to sign the separation agreement then he was to arrange for us to go to mediation, but I would not be agreeing that he enroll Silvia in school. He cannot make an arrangement to have her in school there on the possibility that he will have a job in that area and will not be able to drive to Vaughan. Agreements will be based on the current situation, and that no judge would allow him to do something that would prevent the 50/50 from continuing, if there was a way that would make it work.

I also insisted that enrolling her in school there would not be in her best interests, as she would not be able to see her mother as much. I told him that 50/50 is best for her, and anything that reduces that amount of time with either parent is not good. No judge would order that.

I am planning on serving him after her Christmas concert on Saturday. I will also give him a copy of the separation agreement, and maybe even names of collaborative lawyers. I am leaving the decision to him, he gets to decide if we co-operate or if he fights. I leave the responsibility up to him. For once in his life he will get to make a decision and have the sole responsibility of the consequences, good or bad. HE will not be able to blame the outcome on me, I have provided him will all the options and am willing to go along with whatever one he decides. I just hope his decision is based on Silvia, and not himself.

not much new

I haven't had time to write. I have Silvia during the week now, as her dad is working lots of overtime and can't make it in time to pick her up from daycare. Of course, he could ask someone else to pick her up, so he could see his daughter, or stay over at his mom's and leave her with her for a day, but these wonderful ideas do not cross his mind. probably because I am not around to suggest them. Anyway, I let him have her last weekend (which was scheduled as my weekend) since he is not seeing her during the week.

So now he is not allowing me to have her for the day on Saturday as promised so that she could come with the family to the King Tut exhibition. I had asked and confirmed 3 times already, so yesterday I call to find out if I am taking her home Friday night, or where to pick her up Saturday morning. He said no, he is not seeing her enough since I have her during the week. Unless I want to switch next weekend with him. UMMMMM.. YOU are choosing to work all the overtime, so how is it only to my benefit to take over his parenting responsibilities during the week? I told him I can't switch weekends, I have plans for both days next week and since he's had her for 3 weekends in a row I filled the weekend. So she can't come.

I'm not actually surprised that he would change his mind at the last minute, it's not a new thing for him. Once again he has shown his control by promising me something fairly, then taking it away at the last minute. I understand that he is not seeing her as much now, but I only get her for 3 hours a night (the rest is sleeping) and there is no time to do anything together. I was only asking for about 6 hours of time, and I was willing to make the hour drive both ways. I didn't buy the tickets, a friend did, and she had no idea I wouldn't have Silvia that day. Of course he was nice and polite about it, so that if I got mad I would look insane. I didn't get mad though. No need to give him the satisfaction, I just told him if he changed his mind to let me know by tonight.

So this weekend I am going to finalize our separation agreement with some edits and hopefully I can have a lawyer look at it next week. I will offer it formally next week, at the same time I serve him with the custody papers. It will be up to him how this proceeds.

I can feel it coming in the air....HELP!

This is not going to work, this separation agreement, the co-operation. I just know it. I'm feeling anxious, the same feeling always had when I knew we would get in a fight. Like when I was going to be home late and I was thinking of excuses to make up, or when one of my family or friends called and I could see he was upset about something he overheard and gesuring in the background. I just know something is coming.

I had a meeting with a lady from the local women's shelter yesterday. She is giving me a legal aide certificate for 2 free hours of legal advice, YAY!!. She is strongly recommending that I go through mediaton though, or else go to court, as even a signed agreement with lawyers does not hold up in court well. She said she can see I am making all efforts to work this out, but our arrangements are going to fall apart when Silvia goes to school. She said he is going to fight me about where she goes to school and if it goes to court either we will be forced to move close to each other or one of us will lose custody. This CAN"T be me!!

She also said that I need to file for sole custody, that if he files first, that he will get temporary custody and will be able to keep her from me until the court decides. AGHHH this is my worst nightmare. I am so scared. What do i do? Do I file? I wouldn't keep her from him, I would still let him have everything we've agreed to, I would be guarenteed to get her back though. OMG I am panicking, I shouldn't even be at work, I'm in pieces. But if I do that it will start a war. I know it will. I am falling apart thinking what could happen. I don't know which is woprse, the possibility that he might take her, or the certainty of the fight it will turn into. HELP!!

So I talked to him last night, and yes, he is wavering. He's decided it's over, and was quite pleasant. But he dropped the news that he is talking to a lawyer today, over the phone. I know this lawyer is going to tell him to file for sole custody. He has already suggested he doesn't really agree to my moving near Silvia's daycare solution. I told him if he doesn't agree then there is no way that 50/50 will work. Plus he still hasn't called the doctor to talk about the H1N1 shot, and says he will call HIS family doctor, the one he left 3 years ago. Then he wants to be the one who takes her in.

He's already fighting me and we have joint legal custody. I don't think we are going to be able to agree on this and he is not co-operating with my ideas. I can see this going bad and ending up in court anyway. My god, someone please helkp me. What do I do??????

a new low

yup, yesterday I went under.

Saturday morning the realtor came over and I signed all the papers to sell the house. We went through the numbers and it looks like I am coming out with ......nothing!! She thought we could list st $174,500 and hope for a price around 170.

So yesterday I am waiting for a phone call from her around 1-2 pm as she is meeting with him. I get a call, but I can't get to my phone fast enough. The message says that based on the 2 houses being sold across the street, that the most we can list at is probably $169,900. Since they sold for about 165-167, I should be expecting about the same. Nice. Calculations at 165 give me a grand total free and clear of about $100, enough to buy myself some winter boots. Can you beleive it? I'm trading in my whole life for a pair of boots!!!

We were hoping that he would realize that he could still buy the house (and give me $5000) and end up with something, rather than his share of $200. I still haven't talked with either of them. I couldn't call the realtor back until she left Barrie and after that I was too scared to hear whatever her "verdict" was. I am also feeling maniputlated and nervous to talk to him, as he left me a message Saturday night at 12:00 am asking about the bills and why the Rogers bill was $500. Maybe because he never paid his share for his cell phone from the August bill, and because he assumed that the last bill was mine to pay, when really most of it was his as it was billed in advance for October services.

So that's when things really hit me. I sat on the sofa and just started sobbing. Everything I had worked for in my life is gone. My marriage, my home, and even my child. He has taken her from me. I used to have her all the time, and now he has stolen her, ripped her from my arms and I am so empty. There is such a hole when she's not with me. Why should he get to have her as much as me? He never cared before, I had to beg him make him feel guilty to come inside and play with her, bathe her. He doesn't even take her to the park. Why should parents have equal rights at separation just because they are parents? Shouldn't past behaviour, responsibility and relationship with the child matter?

I called my dog up onto the sofa with me and I hugged her. THank God for Chica, she is so good when you are upset, she KNOWS and she is always there. And then we went into the backyard and I just sat there crying and letting the outside air strip away my pain. I don't know how I will go on from here, but I will, because I am strong, and I have to.

I had my first proper counselling session Monday night. I had been to counselling before, but this was the first counsellor (out of 4) that seemed to understand the problem and what I need. Anyway, it went pretty well. He had several suggestions for groups that I might join to get support from others going through divorce or spousal abuse. He gave me some resources to help Silvia, he said I was already doing all the right things to help her and that her emotional outbursts with me were an indication that she was very comfortable with me. She is not emotional with her dad, she actually is quite obedient with him and the consellor said she is not comfortable with him and is keeping her emotions inside until she feels safe to let them out (with me). I told him how I had started this blog, and have ordered and started reading books about abuse and how to get past it. He was very impressed at all that I was doing to help myself and said I was doing a great job of trying to move on. Looking back at all I've done so far, I think he's right!! I felt SO MUCH BETTER that night.

So being that her dad and I had switched days to accomadate his overtime, I had to drop her off to her dad Tuesday at7:45. That meant I had to pick her up from daycare, feed her then meet him at a coffee shop. I had discussed with my counsellor and we decided that I would have no more contact with him based on the phone call on Friday, and an equally NASTY one on Sunday. we were only to communicate through email, text, notes or messages from now on, or with someone else there to support me. So I asked mom to come with me to exchange Silvia.

Didn't work out well. As soon as he saw my mom's car I knew he was mad. Silvia was crying because we had been at the McDs playground and didn't want to leave. When he approached my mom's car he opened the dorr yelling "what have you done to my daughter" He took her out and stomped over to his car, repeating that phrase twice more. I told him why she was crying (about leaving the park) but he wouldn't listen. My mom was out of the car (trying to prevent a confrontation) but she was insulted, he was insinuating one of us had done something to hurt Silvia, which was nnot true. She tried to tell him and he was very angry. I walked over to where he was strapping Silvia in and tried to tell him about the pictures from daycare, that he needed to pay them tomorrow, details about Silvia and not anything to do with the anger. I tried not to listen to what he was saying and got back in the car. He said something to us about all the sacrificing he was doing. I don't remember what he said next, but my mom said "she could have gone after sole custody and now she will". Immediately I said "I never said that, I won't go after sole custody". But of course he was reacting as my mom wanted him to do and got even more angry saying the he was going to hire a lawyer and now we would be going to court. He drove away, Silvia was still crying, but I doubt it was about the park anymore.

So I called when I got home to tell him I was not going for sole custody. He was surprisingly calm and apologised. We had a good conversation for almost 2 hours where I explained to him that I was now choosing to help myself, to work on feeling better and that there was no chance of us working things out until (and if) I was finished what I was doing. He asked if I would go to counselling with him, I said no, maybe later. That he should continue doing what he has to for himself and Silvia and let me do what I need to. I clearly told him that if he kept pressuring me to get back together or go to counselling with him that it would be over, as I am not ready to deal with the relationship problems right now. He said he would leave me alone and agreed to minimal contact, only about Silvia.

After that conversation I felt very relieved. I am focussing on myself, and Silvia, playing games, drawing pictures, trying to get her to open up and understand she can talk about her feelings. She is bottling everything up and refuses to talk about how she feels. She always changes the subject, and gets very upset about her dad and going to see him. I don't know how she is with just him, but she is not happy. She has told me that she doesn't want to go to daddy's, that he is mean, that he yells at her. I don't know if this is new stuff, or what he was doing before.

Rock Bottom

I hope this is it. I can't take anything else. I am constantly anxious, have been since Friday. I left owrk at lunch because of it. I guess I knew something bad was coming...

Pedro called Saturday. We argued. I felt anxiety rising and I fel manipulated and even though he said it was not his intention neither of us could control the outcome or back away. I can't do this anymore, it's crippling me emotionally and starting to physically and mentally.

He has decided that unless I will accept $5100 (about half of what I desrve legally) then he can't buy the house. If he had said it was because the bank would not approve the amount of mortgage her required, I would understand, but he didn't. He told me that he refused to pay for my debts (school loans) and that was why he was not going to buy the house. If I did not want to accept $5100, then he was going to sell the house and buy himself a different one. He actually used the word "spite" and said that he was approved for $161000 mortgage and the bank had agreed they would give him a $10,000 line of credit to obtain a downpayment. Funny that he can't get an approval for $170,000 (to give me my share of the house value) but he can obtain separate loans that total that much to "spite" me.He was obviously trying to take control of the situation and get me to agree to something that was not fair to me. He says that it is not controlly or manipulating, but I know it is by the feeling in my gut, my whole body and I am deciding that my body knows MUCH better than what he says.

The call left me emotionally crippled, to the point that I am crying right now just writing about it. I almost didn't go to my sisters, I was so hurt, but I'm glad I did, as her and her friends gave me an amazing night where I could be myself and actually enjoy life. It's been a LONG time since I felt that good.

So yesterday he calls again. The conversation was ok at first. I explained rationally that to be a responsible parent he was expected to talk to someone with medical knowledge to make the decision whether to vaccinate our daughter for H1N1. He had refused when I asked and so I contacted our family doctor, who is recommending that all children under 5 be vaccinated, esp those in daycare or school. The nurse also said that because of her surgery coming up in February that she was at even higher risk and recommended that I get him to call and speak with the doctor. He did agree to call. I told him after that if he still didn't agree then at least he was informed. Of course I did not tell him that if he still refused then I would be looking into Sole legal custody. My child's health will not suffer because he refuses to agree with science or because he wants to spite me.

So I ask if he wants to talk to her, but she refused to talk on the phone. She actually said "I don't like Daddy". She has always acted this way ever since we left, she refuse to talk to him on the phone, but will talk to other. He actaully accused me of manipulating her. He said something about wondering why she refuses to talk to me, implying that I would actually do something to sabotage their relationship. I know he was trying to push my buttons, and it worked. He should know by now that I've done everything I can to make this easy on all of us. He actaully said that he had "given and given and given and that he was not going to given anymore" I asked him what he thought he had given, how he thought he had done anything that was sacrificing his rights. I told him that I had spent a lot of time writing up the fairest agreement, had let him have equal time with her, and be a full parent. He knows I could have refused, I could have done horrible things, legal things but I didn't, because it was right for my daughter to have her father as much as her mother.

Of course it turned into a huge fight. I broke down for the last time. I can't do this to myself anymore, there is just so little of me left. After speaking to my sister last night I have decided thast I will not longer talk to him on the phone or inperson without a support person with me. I have contacted a collaborative lawyer and am making an appointment with her. I will pay whatever I have to, I will make sure that he can't hurt me this way anymore. From now on he can only contact me in writing or text. If he has to speak with me he will leave a message. I will not answer the phone if I see his name.

I have to do this for myself, and for my girl. She is so sad. She see's mommy hurting and she tries to comfort me. I am the adult, I need to protect her, and I am not. This is how I will have to do it.

Thanks everyone for being there. I really need you right now. Sorry this is so jumbled. I can't even think straight.

a conversation with him

So he called me yesterday at work. He was crying. His work had scheduled 12 hour shifts for the next 2 weeks from 7am to 7pm. He asked if i could do him a favour and take our daughter during the week and let him have her for the 2 weekends starting next weekend (Nov 13th). Of course I said no problem. Since her daycare closes at 6 he would not be able to pick her up in time. I also offered to let him have her one night during the week. I said I would pick her up, get her some dinner and then meet him somewhere at 7 after he finished work. I think I was being completely fair and accomodating.

So next he brings up the price of the house. I've already suggested a fair prce of $170,000. Whn he asked for $168,000 I went down to $169,000. This was on Saturday. At that time he would not budge on his number, even though I explained that it would only cost $500 more and that he would be walking away with a house, fully furnished and I would be walking away with my clothes and a bit of furniture.

So yesterday he continues to insist on 168. I told him that he was getting all the appliances, most of the furniture and I wouldn't even have a bed! He said if you don't take 168 then I won't buy it and we'll list it. We'll both walk away with about $2800. This made me so angry!! I said that is emotional blackmail! You would rather sell the house just to spite me rather than negotiate with me and give me an extra $500?? He said he WAS negotiating, but I said no, you picked a price and are holding firm to it, even though OUR realotr has told us to list at $175 and that our house would sell for at LEAST $170!! YOu are taking advantage of me and trying to get me to agree to something that is not fair. Are you trying to control me again?

Of course he then backed off. He said fine, 169 then. At this point I felt like I should apologise, since it felt like I had forced him into agreeing, BUT I DIDN"T. Too many times this kind of thing has happened, where he refuses to be reasonable and fair, fighting so hard against me when I KNOW I AM being fair. This time I resisted the urge. I KNOW I did nothing wrong, I was being fair in lowering my price and I was GOOD to myself by standing up againt his blackmail (or attempt to get me to agree with him). I told him fine, that is how a negotiuation is supposed to work, and accepted his offer.

Of course he then said if we got back together we could avoid all this and I said no, I am starting counselling on Monday and I need to do this on my own. For now this is the best. He wanted to talk about it, but I was getting upset, feeling pressured. I told him I was at work and couldn't talk as I was disturbing my coworkers in the room, and we said goodbye.

After My officemate turned to me and said "I take back my suggestion. I don't think you should try to work on your marriage right now. He is obviously trying to control you and I can see how panicked you were getting. You need to stay apart for now, it's not good for you or your daughter." That made me happy, as she was one of those people I felt a little judged by, she didn't seem yo understand the emotional damage I was living with and how I couldnt deal with him right now. Maybe I hadn't fully explained it to her, but I understood why she wanted to see my marriage work. Now I know she supports my health and happiness first and not just making things right for my family.

It was a good day, and I got FREE tickets for a musical tonight (Toxic Avenger) I'm going with some coworkers and my sister. Sounds like a night I am well deserving.

fresh start I hope

Yesterday I took a huge step in the direction of change. Starting this blog is terrifying. It is going to open me up to see all the pain I've endured but never acknowledged. But I know it is something I need to do, I need to remember it all then get rid of it.

While I was writing yesterday's post I started to remember things from way back, things that I had buried, pretended never happened. I won't detail them, but I have to wonder why I was so ignorant, why I didn't admit to myself what was going on. Like I said, I saw the signs, I ignored them. I KNEW there was something not right. Was it my fear of failure, my dedication to my relationship? I do know that it was not the fear of being alone. That fear has not played a part in my life, thanks to those who have always been there for me no matter what. Whatever made me ignore those signs, I have to deal with the consequences now.

Funny things is, I'm not mad at him. I do expect him to take responsibilty for what he did, as I take responsibility for myself. I accept that I did not always act like an adult, treat him fairly. I played dirty, but not worse than anyone else I know. But he stepped over the line, he went where it was not fighting anymore, where he was intentionally hurting me and looking to control me, where he was abusing me; mentally, emotionally, verbally, physically. He knows now what he did, he has apologised over and over and over. He's cried and begged for forgiveness. I'm trying.

I know he was abused too, he was never taught how to love before. But I can't forget that I showed him how to love, and he choose to do what he did. He can't tell me he didn't know any better, he apologised after, he said it wouldn't happen again. He wouldn't do that if he thought he wasn't wrong. Why didn't he listen to his heart when it told him he was hurting me? Why didn't his family tell him what he was doing? WHY? That is the question I need answered, but I know I will never get it.

It is with a little hope and a lot of uncertainty that I start this journey. I am finally ready to leave all this crap behind and get rid of this anxiety that is freezing me in place.

My husband and I met in high school. He was handsome, popular and charming. I was slightly nerdy, chubby and insecure with boys. I was honored to be chosen, all my friend had crushes on him. We dated for years, got engaged a week after I left university, after he had broken up with me for not wanting to do the long-distance thing. Looking back I know he only propsed because he was scared of losing me. We both knew there would be no wedding until I graduated.

He was very insecure. My most vivid memories of my frosh year are of sitting in my closet in rez talking on the phone. Half the time laughing, half the time crying, spending until the wee hours trying to resolve whatever "hurt" my boyfriend was feeling. I travelled 4 hours every weekend to go home to spend it with him. If I went out with friends or even my sister, I didn't tell him. I learned that after having to answer question or question about who, what where, when and why, over and over. He was always waiting for me to slip up, always looking for my story to change, then he would pounce on it, to "prove" that I was lying, has been untrue.

The rest of my college years were somewhat less traumatic, but still jjsut as messed up. The night of my graduation my 2 sister, my boyfriend and I enjoyed one of the best dinners out I have ever had. We laughed to the point of tears. We were all so PROUD of ME!! But then things went wrong. We decided to go out to club, and the boyfriend got jealous for some reason (I can;t even remember). He started arguing with me in the street, yelling and shaming me. My sisters tried to reason with him, get him to see that I had done nothing wrong, but he would not listen. He got into his truck and drove off.

I cant even describe the anxiousness I felt as my sisters friend drove us back to our hotel. We never went dancing. I waited up all night, until 2 or 3am reading, listening to my sisters breathing and for his truck. So many times I thought I heard it, but I could never see his truck in the parking lot. He had abandoned me on thenight of my biggest achievement.

The next morning at 7 am there was a knock on the door. He came storming in and convinced me to go outside and talk in his truck. He had spent the night sitting in his truck. Instaed of knocking on the door and coming in, he stayed out there and in the morning somehow I was made to feel guilty for his suffering. Unbelievably I got in his car and went home with him, leaving my sisters behind. I WALKED AWAY from those who had stood by me in my darkest hours, from those who did not judge me, from those who picked up the shattered pieces of my heart. And for WHAT

You might think I am INSANE for ever marrying this man. It was definitely NOT the first or last time I was treated so unfairly; how could I love someone who treated me like yesterdayès trashÉ How could I love this man, bear him a childÉ Love. I put up with all of the crap for love, love that I didn;t get, love that was withheld, dangled in front of me, promised but never kept. Itès not like I didn;t see the signs, I saw them, convinced myself he was a good person underneath, made excuses from his childhood. I did everything I could to cultivate the good person I knew was in there, helped him, fed him, took care of his every need. It wasnèt enough, I couldnèt do anything right, couldn;t please him and he let me know...almost every day of our 15 years together.

This is my journey to build myself back up to the confident, proud woman I once was. He took something from me and as much as he wants to help me find it, as much as he believes he has changed, it is not what will make me whole again. Only I can piece myself back together, only I can create that fire. And although I can only see a little spark of light in all this darkness, I know it will grow in time. This is my journey of self, and I invite you to share it with me.

Ladybird