I had my first proper counselling session Monday night. I had been to counselling before, but this was the first counsellor (out of 4) that seemed to understand the problem and what I need. Anyway, it went pretty well. He had several suggestions for groups that I might join to get support from others going through divorce or spousal abuse. He gave me some resources to help Silvia, he said I was already doing all the right things to help her and that her emotional outbursts with me were an indication that she was very comfortable with me. She is not emotional with her dad, she actually is quite obedient with him and the consellor said she is not comfortable with him and is keeping her emotions inside until she feels safe to let them out (with me). I told him how I had started this blog, and have ordered and started reading books about abuse and how to get past it. He was very impressed at all that I was doing to help myself and said I was doing a great job of trying to move on. Looking back at all I've done so far, I think he's right!! I felt SO MUCH BETTER that night.

So being that her dad and I had switched days to accomadate his overtime, I had to drop her off to her dad Tuesday at7:45. That meant I had to pick her up from daycare, feed her then meet him at a coffee shop. I had discussed with my counsellor and we decided that I would have no more contact with him based on the phone call on Friday, and an equally NASTY one on Sunday. we were only to communicate through email, text, notes or messages from now on, or with someone else there to support me. So I asked mom to come with me to exchange Silvia.

Didn't work out well. As soon as he saw my mom's car I knew he was mad. Silvia was crying because we had been at the McDs playground and didn't want to leave. When he approached my mom's car he opened the dorr yelling "what have you done to my daughter" He took her out and stomped over to his car, repeating that phrase twice more. I told him why she was crying (about leaving the park) but he wouldn't listen. My mom was out of the car (trying to prevent a confrontation) but she was insulted, he was insinuating one of us had done something to hurt Silvia, which was nnot true. She tried to tell him and he was very angry. I walked over to where he was strapping Silvia in and tried to tell him about the pictures from daycare, that he needed to pay them tomorrow, details about Silvia and not anything to do with the anger. I tried not to listen to what he was saying and got back in the car. He said something to us about all the sacrificing he was doing. I don't remember what he said next, but my mom said "she could have gone after sole custody and now she will". Immediately I said "I never said that, I won't go after sole custody". But of course he was reacting as my mom wanted him to do and got even more angry saying the he was going to hire a lawyer and now we would be going to court. He drove away, Silvia was still crying, but I doubt it was about the park anymore.

So I called when I got home to tell him I was not going for sole custody. He was surprisingly calm and apologised. We had a good conversation for almost 2 hours where I explained to him that I was now choosing to help myself, to work on feeling better and that there was no chance of us working things out until (and if) I was finished what I was doing. He asked if I would go to counselling with him, I said no, maybe later. That he should continue doing what he has to for himself and Silvia and let me do what I need to. I clearly told him that if he kept pressuring me to get back together or go to counselling with him that it would be over, as I am not ready to deal with the relationship problems right now. He said he would leave me alone and agreed to minimal contact, only about Silvia.

After that conversation I felt very relieved. I am focussing on myself, and Silvia, playing games, drawing pictures, trying to get her to open up and understand she can talk about her feelings. She is bottling everything up and refuses to talk about how she feels. She always changes the subject, and gets very upset about her dad and going to see him. I don't know how she is with just him, but she is not happy. She has told me that she doesn't want to go to daddy's, that he is mean, that he yells at her. I don't know if this is new stuff, or what he was doing before.

Rock Bottom

I hope this is it. I can't take anything else. I am constantly anxious, have been since Friday. I left owrk at lunch because of it. I guess I knew something bad was coming...

Pedro called Saturday. We argued. I felt anxiety rising and I fel manipulated and even though he said it was not his intention neither of us could control the outcome or back away. I can't do this anymore, it's crippling me emotionally and starting to physically and mentally.

He has decided that unless I will accept $5100 (about half of what I desrve legally) then he can't buy the house. If he had said it was because the bank would not approve the amount of mortgage her required, I would understand, but he didn't. He told me that he refused to pay for my debts (school loans) and that was why he was not going to buy the house. If I did not want to accept $5100, then he was going to sell the house and buy himself a different one. He actually used the word "spite" and said that he was approved for $161000 mortgage and the bank had agreed they would give him a $10,000 line of credit to obtain a downpayment. Funny that he can't get an approval for $170,000 (to give me my share of the house value) but he can obtain separate loans that total that much to "spite" me.He was obviously trying to take control of the situation and get me to agree to something that was not fair to me. He says that it is not controlly or manipulating, but I know it is by the feeling in my gut, my whole body and I am deciding that my body knows MUCH better than what he says.

The call left me emotionally crippled, to the point that I am crying right now just writing about it. I almost didn't go to my sisters, I was so hurt, but I'm glad I did, as her and her friends gave me an amazing night where I could be myself and actually enjoy life. It's been a LONG time since I felt that good.

So yesterday he calls again. The conversation was ok at first. I explained rationally that to be a responsible parent he was expected to talk to someone with medical knowledge to make the decision whether to vaccinate our daughter for H1N1. He had refused when I asked and so I contacted our family doctor, who is recommending that all children under 5 be vaccinated, esp those in daycare or school. The nurse also said that because of her surgery coming up in February that she was at even higher risk and recommended that I get him to call and speak with the doctor. He did agree to call. I told him after that if he still didn't agree then at least he was informed. Of course I did not tell him that if he still refused then I would be looking into Sole legal custody. My child's health will not suffer because he refuses to agree with science or because he wants to spite me.

So I ask if he wants to talk to her, but she refused to talk on the phone. She actually said "I don't like Daddy". She has always acted this way ever since we left, she refuse to talk to him on the phone, but will talk to other. He actaully accused me of manipulating her. He said something about wondering why she refuses to talk to me, implying that I would actually do something to sabotage their relationship. I know he was trying to push my buttons, and it worked. He should know by now that I've done everything I can to make this easy on all of us. He actaully said that he had "given and given and given and that he was not going to given anymore" I asked him what he thought he had given, how he thought he had done anything that was sacrificing his rights. I told him that I had spent a lot of time writing up the fairest agreement, had let him have equal time with her, and be a full parent. He knows I could have refused, I could have done horrible things, legal things but I didn't, because it was right for my daughter to have her father as much as her mother.

Of course it turned into a huge fight. I broke down for the last time. I can't do this to myself anymore, there is just so little of me left. After speaking to my sister last night I have decided thast I will not longer talk to him on the phone or inperson without a support person with me. I have contacted a collaborative lawyer and am making an appointment with her. I will pay whatever I have to, I will make sure that he can't hurt me this way anymore. From now on he can only contact me in writing or text. If he has to speak with me he will leave a message. I will not answer the phone if I see his name.

I have to do this for myself, and for my girl. She is so sad. She see's mommy hurting and she tries to comfort me. I am the adult, I need to protect her, and I am not. This is how I will have to do it.

Thanks everyone for being there. I really need you right now. Sorry this is so jumbled. I can't even think straight.