happy!

Yes! The sun is shining, spring is here and I feel like a real person again!. Not to say that I am DONE, by any means, but I feel SO optimistic today.

Last Thursday I stopped taking my depression meds. They just weren't helping anymore. They had done their job and kept me from being too emotional and reactive, but they were also preventing me from dealing with my feelings. It was like I was walking through a fog and everything was muted. I was putting things off and not making any progress. So, when I forgot my pill Friday I just decided that was it. I really haven't had to deal with him too much since I got a lawyer, so I thought it was time to start dealing with myself again. Boy am I glad. While I have had some pretty good ups and downs this past week (and been suffering from the flu along with withdrawal), I have not felt so ALIVE in years.

That brings me to what has been happening. Last Friday I went out to watch the Olympic hockey game with some coworkers. 2 of them live nearby, so I carpooled down with them and we picked up another one on the way. We went downtown Toronto, and there ended up being 9 of us. I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. I had 3 drinks and was feeling quite good, but not drunk. I swear I must have been glowing.

Saturday I went to another co-worker's housewarming party. OMG, I got so drunk!! HEHEHEHE! I made jello shots and between about 16 of those and 4 Smirnoff Ice I was practically flying. I was surrounded (literally) by the 3 hottest guys (IMHO) at my work and just absorbing the energy from that. I had a great time with a close girlfriend, and one whom I hadn't seen in a long time, and realized that I really miss. And to top it off we started making plans to see each other more often.

Finally I feel like I have that support system again, the kind that will be able to distract me and make me laugh. I have had all of you to listen and support me on here, and that is what got me through. But now I feel like I am on the top of the world. I have friends who will hold my hand and friends who will stand by me no matter what. I couldn't have asked for more.

So WHY do I finally feel so good? Silvia and I have been to 2 counselling sessions now. Because I was off my meds I broke down last night. We were reading about the violence wheel out loud, and when it was my turn I had to read about intimidation. My life WAS all intimidation. I experienced 90% of the types of abuse on that wheel, and there were about 30 examples. While I had already accepted how bad things had been, it was a new experience to have to actually say it out loud.

My voice cracked,I could barely get the words out and I cried, but I kept reading. When I looked around some of the other moms were crying too. And at the end of the night 2 of them came to me and gave me a hug. Finally I have someone else who knows exactly how I feel, why I couldn't leave, and what it feels like to be trapped. So that is why today is so happy, so bright. It is finally spring and my new life is here.

I love you all.