Yesterday I took a huge step in the direction of change. Starting this blog is terrifying. It is going to open me up to see all the pain I've endured but never acknowledged. But I know it is something I need to do, I need to remember it all then get rid of it.
While I was writing yesterday's post I started to remember things from way back, things that I had buried, pretended never happened. I won't detail them, but I have to wonder why I was so ignorant, why I didn't admit to myself what was going on. Like I said, I saw the signs, I ignored them. I KNEW there was something not right. Was it my fear of failure, my dedication to my relationship? I do know that it was not the fear of being alone. That fear has not played a part in my life, thanks to those who have always been there for me no matter what. Whatever made me ignore those signs, I have to deal with the consequences now.
Funny things is, I'm not mad at him. I do expect him to take responsibilty for what he did, as I take responsibility for myself. I accept that I did not always act like an adult, treat him fairly. I played dirty, but not worse than anyone else I know. But he stepped over the line, he went where it was not fighting anymore, where he was intentionally hurting me and looking to control me, where he was abusing me; mentally, emotionally, verbally, physically. He knows now what he did, he has apologised over and over and over. He's cried and begged for forgiveness. I'm trying.
I know he was abused too, he was never taught how to love before. But I can't forget that I showed him how to love, and he choose to do what he did. He can't tell me he didn't know any better, he apologised after, he said it wouldn't happen again. He wouldn't do that if he thought he wasn't wrong. Why didn't he listen to his heart when it told him he was hurting me? Why didn't his family tell him what he was doing? WHY? That is the question I need answered, but I know I will never get it.
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I asked why for so many years. Why did my father hate me. Why and how could he hurt me physically and emotionally. It took me a long time to realize that the question I was really avoiding was; Why did I LET him do it? It took me longer to understand that, all I wanted was to be loved. He was the one person that I was supposed to be able to trust no matter what. He might not have known any better, but then, I didn't either. I'm not saying that's the case for you but there are other issues that lay underneath you know? I am very proud of you for doing this and I hope that you can heal that gorgeous heart of yours. I am always here and I love you.
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