I had my first proper counselling session Monday night. I had been to counselling before, but this was the first counsellor (out of 4) that seemed to understand the problem and what I need. Anyway, it went pretty well. He had several suggestions for groups that I might join to get support from others going through divorce or spousal abuse. He gave me some resources to help Silvia, he said I was already doing all the right things to help her and that her emotional outbursts with me were an indication that she was very comfortable with me. She is not emotional with her dad, she actually is quite obedient with him and the consellor said she is not comfortable with him and is keeping her emotions inside until she feels safe to let them out (with me). I told him how I had started this blog, and have ordered and started reading books about abuse and how to get past it. He was very impressed at all that I was doing to help myself and said I was doing a great job of trying to move on. Looking back at all I've done so far, I think he's right!! I felt SO MUCH BETTER that night.

So being that her dad and I had switched days to accomadate his overtime, I had to drop her off to her dad Tuesday at7:45. That meant I had to pick her up from daycare, feed her then meet him at a coffee shop. I had discussed with my counsellor and we decided that I would have no more contact with him based on the phone call on Friday, and an equally NASTY one on Sunday. we were only to communicate through email, text, notes or messages from now on, or with someone else there to support me. So I asked mom to come with me to exchange Silvia.

Didn't work out well. As soon as he saw my mom's car I knew he was mad. Silvia was crying because we had been at the McDs playground and didn't want to leave. When he approached my mom's car he opened the dorr yelling "what have you done to my daughter" He took her out and stomped over to his car, repeating that phrase twice more. I told him why she was crying (about leaving the park) but he wouldn't listen. My mom was out of the car (trying to prevent a confrontation) but she was insulted, he was insinuating one of us had done something to hurt Silvia, which was nnot true. She tried to tell him and he was very angry. I walked over to where he was strapping Silvia in and tried to tell him about the pictures from daycare, that he needed to pay them tomorrow, details about Silvia and not anything to do with the anger. I tried not to listen to what he was saying and got back in the car. He said something to us about all the sacrificing he was doing. I don't remember what he said next, but my mom said "she could have gone after sole custody and now she will". Immediately I said "I never said that, I won't go after sole custody". But of course he was reacting as my mom wanted him to do and got even more angry saying the he was going to hire a lawyer and now we would be going to court. He drove away, Silvia was still crying, but I doubt it was about the park anymore.

So I called when I got home to tell him I was not going for sole custody. He was surprisingly calm and apologised. We had a good conversation for almost 2 hours where I explained to him that I was now choosing to help myself, to work on feeling better and that there was no chance of us working things out until (and if) I was finished what I was doing. He asked if I would go to counselling with him, I said no, maybe later. That he should continue doing what he has to for himself and Silvia and let me do what I need to. I clearly told him that if he kept pressuring me to get back together or go to counselling with him that it would be over, as I am not ready to deal with the relationship problems right now. He said he would leave me alone and agreed to minimal contact, only about Silvia.

After that conversation I felt very relieved. I am focussing on myself, and Silvia, playing games, drawing pictures, trying to get her to open up and understand she can talk about her feelings. She is bottling everything up and refuses to talk about how she feels. She always changes the subject, and gets very upset about her dad and going to see him. I don't know how she is with just him, but she is not happy. She has told me that she doesn't want to go to daddy's, that he is mean, that he yells at her. I don't know if this is new stuff, or what he was doing before.