speed bump?

I finally served him on Monday. I also brought him a letter to try to agree on some of the things so we could focus on those we disagreed on (like where Silvia will go to school etc)

oh, it went ok, but things were very emotional. He really wants me back, he is so sad. He said he has thought about having her attend school where he will live and has realized that it wouldn't work as 50/50 was not possible that way. Of course I asked him why he didn't call me and tell me that when he thought about it, since it would have helped to smooth things over.

But it was very hard for me too. I still love him, but the hurt from all the abuse is so deep I don't know if I will ever get through it. I'm in counselling, but it is so raw when I am near him, especially when he is so sorry for what he has done. I can't tell if I am sad for what I lost and what could have been, or if I am thinking I made a mistake. There was a lot of apologising on his part, but he is still unwilling to discuss the details of what happened, or even to hear me speak them. Maybe it is me being hung up, but I really need to hear him admit what he has done, so he knows which parts were wrong. I still think he has no idea what exactly hurt and is thinking that I have overreacted. He still thinks I should be able to put it behind me and give him another chance.

So there is a new problem. His family celebrates Christmas on Christmas Eve. The plan was to drop her off around 2pm and I was going to pick her up at midnight (since they open presents at 11). He wants to drop her off in the morning. I understand that he thinks I would be waking her up, but I would be there right after they finished presents, so she would be awake (Last year she fell asleep at 11:30, she was 2.5.)

I know that it is late. I know it might be best to leave her there. But then she would miss MY family traditions of Christmas morning. She will get to experience all of his family traditions on Christmas Eve, they do nothing Christmas day. Also, I was going to return her in the evening on Christmas, so he would still see her for the actual day.

Can anyone provide some feedback? Both on how I am feeling and this Christmas arrangement? I really feel like I would be giving in to him by letting him drop her off Christmas morning. Of course I gave him these details back in October when he got the first draft of the separation agreement. Obviously he either didn't read it then, or is again reacting emotionally because he wants some control. He didn't have a problem with the exchange time before.