Today I took yet another step forward. As I drove to my first counseling session, my favourite love songs playing, I struggled with what I would tell the counselor. Obviously my continuing issues with my child's father were part of it. And I for sure wanted to talk about the strain MS was placing on my ability to work full time, and inability to get back to exercising. She was already well aware of the situation with my daughter, and she knew all the changes we were trying to adjust to. But of course the most important thing on my mind was my ex boyfriend, the relationship that had been a blessing I never expected, and then a loss that was almost too much to bear.

As I pulled up to the stoplight near the office, I looked up, and my answer was written in the sky. It had been raining much of the day, but now it was cloudy and grey. Through the centre of that glum sky there was a pale rainbow, difficult to see, but it was there, and instantly I felt my heart jump into my throat.

Last fall, driving home from class, I noticed a very weird rainbow above some condos. It wasnt shaped like a rainbow though, it was square, and not quite as wide across as the rooftop of the condo it was visible above. I cant remember now which way the colours were (red from the left or red from the right) but they followed on the normal pattern. But it was SQUARE, not a sharp square, but there was definitely a square shape, and edges, and there was no way ot was a regular rainbow.

I will admit, I texted Gerald right away to tell him about it (we had been dating about 3 weeks). I tried to take a picture, but I didnt think of it at first, and as I grabbed my phone, it disappeared. Gerald's response was odd. He said something about being very happy I had seen the rainbow thing, and to ask him about it later. And to stop texting while I was driving!

I forgot about it for a few days, but eventually I remembered to ask him. He told me that ever since his mom had passed away, he had seen a rainbow on significant days in his life; his wedding day, the day his daughter was born, and a few others I forget. But he said that those rainbows were not "normal" they were always odd shaped. And not only significant days in his life were marked by this "rainbow-shape", but significant people. He said that a couple of other very important people in his life had described these rainbow things to him, within days of meeting him they saw them (one was his ex-wife, and mother of his child, the other his stepmother). So when I described this rainbow shape to him Gerald said that was his mom's way of giving her blessing to me. He believed that she approved of what what to come between us, and was extremely pleased.

In the past few years I have become very attuned to these little messages that the universe sends to me. I have read up on animal totems, learned grounding techniques to both rid myself of toxic stress and feelings, and practiced tuning myself to the song of nature (I know that sounds kooky, but trust me it HAS helped). I have long believed that there is more out there, and that whatever we can't see is sending us messages all the time. Gerald himself says he can feel "spirits". I have to say that is NOT something I ever expected a guy to admit, but I think its wicked cool.

So when I looked up and there was a rainbow (a regular shaped one, but still a rainbow), right there in front of me, I knew that I just had to keep believing that he and I were not "over". I grabbed my phone and snapped a pic as fast I could, and my phone died right there. I tried to plug it in, but by the time the light changed to green, my phone had not finished rebooting, and the rainbow was gone. I pulled over with my heart in my throat and tears in my eyes, and a song blasting the words "say what you need to say" into my ears. And as my phone rebooted, the photo was there waiting...

After my counseling session, when I had spilled all my fears, I sent the picture to him. I can only hope and pray that he remembers that day, and sees that there is still a chance for us.