Today's forecast: Sunshowers!

Today I woke up with a song in my head, and it hasn't gone away yet. Bruno Mars "Again". Now if you don't know the song, it is about a man who wakes up, and misses his train, and by that coincidence, he meets his new love waiting for the next one. In essence the message is that all the crap he had gone through in life was worth it. He would do it all over again because everything he had been through had led him to her, and all the suffering was worth finding her.

This is not the first time this song has rang so true for me. Long before I met Gerald I knew this song would one day have a person attached to it. It didn't take long before he was, and attached to several other of my "anthems" (you know what I mean by anthem, right? Like a song that stands for someone, or some time in your life and it will always hold special meaning. It can even represent some part of you)

Anyway, I guess underneath it all I woke up today moving onto the stage of acceptance. It is sad, but now I know I can let him be. I do still hope that he will come looking for me, even if it is just in friendship, because I love him not only as my love, but as my best friend. I opened up to him more of myself than I ever have to anyone else. But, it IS time that I let go; not let go of hope, but to let go of the expectation, the need, but not the want. I will find some way today of doing that.

For the past couple of months I have been learning so much, but the absolute best place I have found is a blog by a long-time depressed man. His blog is so honest, and insightful, that I have painstakenly copied almost every post into a word document, arranged them as best I could, so that his thoughts flow in a pattern to describe what depression is, what the symptoms are like, how it affects the person, and how he has found the ability to recover and live with his condition. It has sections that apply specifically to work issues, how men deal with depression (It is vastly different than women) and how a depressed man reacts in a relationship. So far I have read every post at least once, and am now going through them in the order I created. It is amazing.

My point is, last night before bed I ended reading this post: http://www.storiedmind.com/depressed-partners/i-cant-let-you-in/



This one I had NOT read yet, on purpose, as I knew it would be the most revealing one, that would explain to me exactly how Gerald feels/felt as he shut me out of his life. (I dont think I am trying to push a description of "what happened" onto him. Much of what he said to me in the last 4 months rings so true to this blogger's posts, and readers comments, that there is NO WAY he is not being seriously affected by depression. I just dont know if this is the ONLY reason we are over)

After I read that post, I closed my eyes fully understanding the isolation and impotence depression can enforce, and I sent out a prayer that both Gerald and I be able to move forward.

So when I woke up this morning with that song in my head, I knew some of that had happened. And as I stood there getting ready for the day and looking at myself in the mirror, I suddenly began wondering about other men I had dated in the past. In particular the first man I went out with, with whom I had felt the potential for a lot more, at least a potential for a great friendship. [unfortunately we had both consciously decided to throw that away by having a one-night stand 4 months after we stopped dating...yeah, I know. But we both knew what we were doing, and it was WORTH it! ;)]

And so I sit here today, realizing that I can leave the door open for Gerald, and am hesitantly ready to move forward with my life. Maybe to rekindle friendships that I let fall to the side, maybe to start new ones. I don't know yet if I will contact that old flame/friend, but it nice to think about it, and know that Gerald isn't the only man out there who "gets me" and thought I was amazing (that other guy was FRESH out of separation, and there was no chance of anything but a fling with him..he realized he couldn't give me what I was looking for and backed off, but we stayed friends up until THAT night).

Today I took another step forward, and it feels good :) Yes, there are tears in my eyes as I write this, for I am leaving behind the happiest days of my life, and someone I love so very much. But there is a smile along with those tears, because I think I am on my way to something even better...a stronger me, who is able to embrace change without regret or anger and with hope and belief and faith. Hope that Gerald will find a path that leads back to me, belief that he will always love me, and faith that I will get through this and live to feelsunshine again.