It is with a little hope and a lot of uncertainty that I start this journey. I am finally ready to leave all this crap behind and get rid of this anxiety that is freezing me in place.

My husband and I met in high school. He was handsome, popular and charming. I was slightly nerdy, chubby and insecure with boys. I was honored to be chosen, all my friend had crushes on him. We dated for years, got engaged a week after I left university, after he had broken up with me for not wanting to do the long-distance thing. Looking back I know he only propsed because he was scared of losing me. We both knew there would be no wedding until I graduated.

He was very insecure. My most vivid memories of my frosh year are of sitting in my closet in rez talking on the phone. Half the time laughing, half the time crying, spending until the wee hours trying to resolve whatever "hurt" my boyfriend was feeling. I travelled 4 hours every weekend to go home to spend it with him. If I went out with friends or even my sister, I didn't tell him. I learned that after having to answer question or question about who, what where, when and why, over and over. He was always waiting for me to slip up, always looking for my story to change, then he would pounce on it, to "prove" that I was lying, has been untrue.

The rest of my college years were somewhat less traumatic, but still jjsut as messed up. The night of my graduation my 2 sister, my boyfriend and I enjoyed one of the best dinners out I have ever had. We laughed to the point of tears. We were all so PROUD of ME!! But then things went wrong. We decided to go out to club, and the boyfriend got jealous for some reason (I can;t even remember). He started arguing with me in the street, yelling and shaming me. My sisters tried to reason with him, get him to see that I had done nothing wrong, but he would not listen. He got into his truck and drove off.

I cant even describe the anxiousness I felt as my sisters friend drove us back to our hotel. We never went dancing. I waited up all night, until 2 or 3am reading, listening to my sisters breathing and for his truck. So many times I thought I heard it, but I could never see his truck in the parking lot. He had abandoned me on thenight of my biggest achievement.

The next morning at 7 am there was a knock on the door. He came storming in and convinced me to go outside and talk in his truck. He had spent the night sitting in his truck. Instaed of knocking on the door and coming in, he stayed out there and in the morning somehow I was made to feel guilty for his suffering. Unbelievably I got in his car and went home with him, leaving my sisters behind. I WALKED AWAY from those who had stood by me in my darkest hours, from those who did not judge me, from those who picked up the shattered pieces of my heart. And for WHAT

You might think I am INSANE for ever marrying this man. It was definitely NOT the first or last time I was treated so unfairly; how could I love someone who treated me like yesterdayès trashÉ How could I love this man, bear him a childÉ Love. I put up with all of the crap for love, love that I didn;t get, love that was withheld, dangled in front of me, promised but never kept. Itès not like I didn;t see the signs, I saw them, convinced myself he was a good person underneath, made excuses from his childhood. I did everything I could to cultivate the good person I knew was in there, helped him, fed him, took care of his every need. It wasnèt enough, I couldnèt do anything right, couldn;t please him and he let me know...almost every day of our 15 years together.

This is my journey to build myself back up to the confident, proud woman I once was. He took something from me and as much as he wants to help me find it, as much as he believes he has changed, it is not what will make me whole again. Only I can piece myself back together, only I can create that fire. And although I can only see a little spark of light in all this darkness, I know it will grow in time. This is my journey of self, and I invite you to share it with me.

Ladybird