a new low

yup, yesterday I went under.

Saturday morning the realtor came over and I signed all the papers to sell the house. We went through the numbers and it looks like I am coming out with ......nothing!! She thought we could list st $174,500 and hope for a price around 170.

So yesterday I am waiting for a phone call from her around 1-2 pm as she is meeting with him. I get a call, but I can't get to my phone fast enough. The message says that based on the 2 houses being sold across the street, that the most we can list at is probably $169,900. Since they sold for about 165-167, I should be expecting about the same. Nice. Calculations at 165 give me a grand total free and clear of about $100, enough to buy myself some winter boots. Can you beleive it? I'm trading in my whole life for a pair of boots!!!

We were hoping that he would realize that he could still buy the house (and give me $5000) and end up with something, rather than his share of $200. I still haven't talked with either of them. I couldn't call the realtor back until she left Barrie and after that I was too scared to hear whatever her "verdict" was. I am also feeling maniputlated and nervous to talk to him, as he left me a message Saturday night at 12:00 am asking about the bills and why the Rogers bill was $500. Maybe because he never paid his share for his cell phone from the August bill, and because he assumed that the last bill was mine to pay, when really most of it was his as it was billed in advance for October services.

So that's when things really hit me. I sat on the sofa and just started sobbing. Everything I had worked for in my life is gone. My marriage, my home, and even my child. He has taken her from me. I used to have her all the time, and now he has stolen her, ripped her from my arms and I am so empty. There is such a hole when she's not with me. Why should he get to have her as much as me? He never cared before, I had to beg him make him feel guilty to come inside and play with her, bathe her. He doesn't even take her to the park. Why should parents have equal rights at separation just because they are parents? Shouldn't past behaviour, responsibility and relationship with the child matter?

I called my dog up onto the sofa with me and I hugged her. THank God for Chica, she is so good when you are upset, she KNOWS and she is always there. And then we went into the backyard and I just sat there crying and letting the outside air strip away my pain. I don't know how I will go on from here, but I will, because I am strong, and I have to.