Rock Bottom

I hope this is it. I can't take anything else. I am constantly anxious, have been since Friday. I left owrk at lunch because of it. I guess I knew something bad was coming...

Pedro called Saturday. We argued. I felt anxiety rising and I fel manipulated and even though he said it was not his intention neither of us could control the outcome or back away. I can't do this anymore, it's crippling me emotionally and starting to physically and mentally.

He has decided that unless I will accept $5100 (about half of what I desrve legally) then he can't buy the house. If he had said it was because the bank would not approve the amount of mortgage her required, I would understand, but he didn't. He told me that he refused to pay for my debts (school loans) and that was why he was not going to buy the house. If I did not want to accept $5100, then he was going to sell the house and buy himself a different one. He actually used the word "spite" and said that he was approved for $161000 mortgage and the bank had agreed they would give him a $10,000 line of credit to obtain a downpayment. Funny that he can't get an approval for $170,000 (to give me my share of the house value) but he can obtain separate loans that total that much to "spite" me.He was obviously trying to take control of the situation and get me to agree to something that was not fair to me. He says that it is not controlly or manipulating, but I know it is by the feeling in my gut, my whole body and I am deciding that my body knows MUCH better than what he says.

The call left me emotionally crippled, to the point that I am crying right now just writing about it. I almost didn't go to my sisters, I was so hurt, but I'm glad I did, as her and her friends gave me an amazing night where I could be myself and actually enjoy life. It's been a LONG time since I felt that good.

So yesterday he calls again. The conversation was ok at first. I explained rationally that to be a responsible parent he was expected to talk to someone with medical knowledge to make the decision whether to vaccinate our daughter for H1N1. He had refused when I asked and so I contacted our family doctor, who is recommending that all children under 5 be vaccinated, esp those in daycare or school. The nurse also said that because of her surgery coming up in February that she was at even higher risk and recommended that I get him to call and speak with the doctor. He did agree to call. I told him after that if he still didn't agree then at least he was informed. Of course I did not tell him that if he still refused then I would be looking into Sole legal custody. My child's health will not suffer because he refuses to agree with science or because he wants to spite me.

So I ask if he wants to talk to her, but she refused to talk on the phone. She actually said "I don't like Daddy". She has always acted this way ever since we left, she refuse to talk to him on the phone, but will talk to other. He actaully accused me of manipulating her. He said something about wondering why she refuses to talk to me, implying that I would actually do something to sabotage their relationship. I know he was trying to push my buttons, and it worked. He should know by now that I've done everything I can to make this easy on all of us. He actaully said that he had "given and given and given and that he was not going to given anymore" I asked him what he thought he had given, how he thought he had done anything that was sacrificing his rights. I told him that I had spent a lot of time writing up the fairest agreement, had let him have equal time with her, and be a full parent. He knows I could have refused, I could have done horrible things, legal things but I didn't, because it was right for my daughter to have her father as much as her mother.

Of course it turned into a huge fight. I broke down for the last time. I can't do this to myself anymore, there is just so little of me left. After speaking to my sister last night I have decided thast I will not longer talk to him on the phone or inperson without a support person with me. I have contacted a collaborative lawyer and am making an appointment with her. I will pay whatever I have to, I will make sure that he can't hurt me this way anymore. From now on he can only contact me in writing or text. If he has to speak with me he will leave a message. I will not answer the phone if I see his name.

I have to do this for myself, and for my girl. She is so sad. She see's mommy hurting and she tries to comfort me. I am the adult, I need to protect her, and I am not. This is how I will have to do it.

Thanks everyone for being there. I really need you right now. Sorry this is so jumbled. I can't even think straight.