kick in the ass

Thursday night. Silvia was crying for her dad (becasue she didn't like the rules that her aunt and I were setting) so I let her call him. She was crying so hard that she couldn't talk, so I took the phone and told him. Talked for a few minutes, trying to work out details for the birthday party he was taking her to Saturday. He started telling me that he was a better father and I must be doing something wrong because she never cries when she's with him and never asks to call me. It only got worse from there. I had offered him to pick her up Friday from daycare so he didn't have to come out to my house to pick her up Saturday, but after he said such horrible things I took it back, he could only have her for the party. So he says that I am violating the court order, turns my words around , trying to make it seem like I was saying she wasn't going at all. Of course I wasn't doing that! It was like walking back into time, to before we were separated, except that this time I was no longer immune to his words, I had taken all the armour off. I can't even describe how awful it was, and now I am back to being depressed, unstable etc,

I was seriously contemplating just letting him have the joint custody and ending this fight. But after what he said to me and how he manipulated me (after 9 months) how can I ever believe he won't continue it. So I applied for another 10,000 extension on my line of credit. This is going to have to go to court, maybe even to trial. I am having a really hard time at home with my mom and sister and the only reason I even left my room this weekend was for my daughter. Honestly I can say that I have never felt this low. Maybe when I first left, or when we first were going to court, but after the last few months of starting to feel happy again, it feels like a completely new low.The drop from where I was before to where I am now was like walking off a cliff.